Find your thing

Last week I discovered something, that seemingly helped with the overwhelming feelings of depression I've been having lately. I found that by making myself busier, I had less time to sit around and be in my head too much. It was as simple as picking up some overtime hours at work a few evenings in a row!

Granted working overtime is not always the greatest thing to do, but it is nice when that paycheck comes around. I also realize that picking up extra hours at one's primary job might not be doable for everyone out there. That's besides the point I'm trying to make. The point is, find your thing!

That's not to say that "my thing" is simply picking up overtime at work. Far from it in fact. Most of the time I loathe the idea of having to stay later than my 8 hour shift. Truth is right now I'm in need of the extra money so it's either pick up some overtime or get a part time job. For now, overtime is winning.

For a while I thought joining a local social group and making new friends would be the answer. I went to the once weekly meetups for a little over two months. All I ended up feeling, was lonely. It seemed the more people I surrounded myself with, the lonelier I felt. I do have a few friends I've made from the group but on a whole, it wasn't what I needed.

But last week, being busier than I have in a while, I can honestly look back and see that last week, I was happy. Now I'm in the current week and haven't had any extra evenings to pick up overtime, and I've felt my mood dip low yet again. This leads me to the conclusion that I need to find "my thing" to help me occupy my time. This will undoubtedly lead to some much needed soul searching on my part but I think I'm up for the challenge.

I throw this question out to you: what do you do to soul search?

Ups and Downs

Well it's certainly been a while since I've been here. Anyone miss me? *crickets*

Happy October!

I need to get back to writing, it's my go-to for when times are tough, and boy have they been tough for me. Mostly, just mentally. I should have remembered this blog last month as it was Suicide Awareness Month. As someone who has a personal history with suicide, it hits home. I'm not as hesitant to talk about it anymore but I still have triggers where it's concerned and sometimes it is difficult to talk about it without getting choked up.

Maybe turning this blog into an awareness blog, overall, and how I find coping methods everyday to help me stay strong through my various interests, could be my theme. Thoughts? Is that a sort of thing that people would be interested in continuously reading about and gain traffic? I just feel like I want to find something to put out there and help others and also myself. Be happy with life, ya know?

In regard to myself and the ups and downs I titled this post about, life has just been meh lately. I tend to go through a sort of Summer depression every year as I loathe the heat and humidity and long for Autumn. Usually when late September arrives it starts to feel like home to me and the depression lightens. This year though, I don't feel it lifting. Some days are better than others but overall I've just been feeling empty. The urge to cry over nothing begins and then it goes away and I'm just left not feeling anything. The thoughts of wanting the cycle to end though, begin to creep up. I do feel I'm in a better place in that when those thoughts try to invade me I find myself really considering them BUT I then pick them apart and discover they are not the way. That's progress, right?

Some may think not but I'm now 36 (as of last month!) and I feel like I've come to know myself better. Each year when I turn another year older I think back to when I almost didn't make it to 20, and I celebrate my second chance. I've also decided that next year I will buy myself a birthday cake, just because!

In closing this first post back of mine, with many more regular updates to come as I promise to give myself the goal of this, I'm going to put it out there for the world to see. I will link my social media pages on here and then in reverse link back here. If YOU or anyone you know is going through depression, please don't be afraid to talk about it! Always keep fighting and know you are not alone! I've just linked to a page on Facebook about a campaign actor Jared Padalecki started in regards to mental illness and raising awareness.

Please post any comments, questions or concerns and I will address them. I want to start a conversation and go forward with those in mind.

Until next time...live, laugh and keep going!
Heidi

New beginnings...sort of

I've changed things around a bit in my life since my last update.  I am currently sitting in my new apartment I moved into about a month ago.  It's not much different from my last one but the big change really is that I can do laundry anytime I want as I have a stackable washer/dryer.  No one likes doing laundry, and if you do, I already don't understand you...I don't judge you but I will never understand you.

The second change I've made is at work.  I applied, interviewed, was offered and accepted a new role.  Currently into my fourth week at said new job and I can usually be found grinning like an idiot as I walk the halls at work just b/c I enjoy what I'm doing that much.  It is all behind the scenes and I literally just go from one project to the next, never two things the same as the two things I did before.  I say two things b/c usually I have at least two things I'm working on.  There is great variety and no two days (I'm quite obsessed with "two" at the moment aren't I?) are alike in any way really.

The apartment change kind of just happened literally last minute - I won't go into details but let's just say a bad situation got turned around within less than 24 hours and I'm grateful for all who helped.

The job change was very much needed in my overall happiness and I feel like I truly stuck with it and suffered through my previous job (which tested my will power on a daily basis) to get to a job/where I'm at now, to truly be happy again.  And who knows, maybe the new will wear off and I'll eventually not be so happy, but I'm in no rush to test that theory but seriously after four weeks, hell after one day, the differences were night/day!

So if you are unhappy and feel yourself being pulled down, stick with it and do what you can to make a change happen.  You have to put in the effort for things to change or nothing will.  Don't get stuck in a rut - seize the moment, and have patience for it to happen!

Laugh, and you will smile!

Recently at work I have been overly stressed  to the point that I upped my job search to try and find anything to get me out of there.  I felt my attitude slipping to negativity quite quickly most days and it was really just eating away at my spirit.  I say recently, but really it was a few weeks ago that this was still going on and I decided that enough was enough.  I was done being negative all the time and letting things get to me and people drag me down - so I started laughing again.

I've always found that laughing things off really just helps you smile when you need it the most.  I'm the kind of person who will laugh when someone falls (as well as point but that's just a reaction I can't control...like some force suddenly has taken over my body and before you know it, I'm pointing at a fallen person).  And if I fall, you better be laughing at me, not with me, no, AT me b/c otherwise I'll look like a loon laughing as I sit on the floor.

So with my newly re-found laughter technique at work, it hasn't been so bad lately.  We have the typical "negative Nelly" at work who complains non stop and I'm happy to report that wasn't me, and I will never let that be me.  And I truly believe that by me "letting it go" and just living each day to it's fullest and by doing my job, some good things have started coming my way.

Last weekend I had my first official non official business meeting regarding a film project I'm collaborating on with a friend.  We are taking a story I wrote in 2008 and turning it into a web series, and I'm selfish enough to cast myself in the lead role.  Hey why not?!  The character is kinda my baby and since she's always in my head anyway creatively speaking and I know her story, it's like we are already connected.  I did not, however, create her based on me.  I've read that before in books where the author clearly meant for one's self to be the character.  But of course now she will be molded to be me, so to speak, and I will have to do some molding of myself (i.e. get my ass into shape!) to portray her.

Some other good news, on the day job front (since this started out about that, anyway) is that I recently applied to an internal position that is more my speed in an office environment.  I interviewed on Monday and found out today that I got it, pay rise and all!  I start in two weeks and was absolutely giddy most of today and couldn't stop smiling!  Yes, my current job was quite stressful and really crazy here for a while now, but I powered through and sucked it up and now there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

Good things do in fact come to those who wait!

Inspiration

You want to learn to act?  Then act, and like anything else you care about in life, do it religiously and with intense dedication. - Barry Pineo, Acting That Matters

 Went to the library today and found myself for once not searching the endless stacks of fiction books, trying to find yet another book to read about the adventures of King Henry VIII, or The Borgias.  No, instead I found myself in the non-fiction section and began searching the shelves for books on acting.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't expect to figure out the secret(s) on the craft of acting from reading books to tell me, well, how to act.  But a little read here and there to help me stay focused and even push me with some inspiration isn't such a bad thing.

I came across a book called Acting That Matters by Barry Pineo.  Though I've never heard of the author or the book, I decided to at least read the introduction and really liked what I read.  I pulled the above quote from that section in fact.

And then there was this:

Still can't find a process?  Then cast yourself.  Write your own, produce your own, or write and produce and direct your own.  Finding opportunities to act is easy, as long as you're not concerned with quality or cash, and if you want to learn how to act, then the quality of the production or the monetary compensation should be one of the last of your concerns.

This spoke volumes to me, and if you read my previous post in which I basically came out as an aspiring actress, this is basically what I meant summed up in a paragraph!  I can't wait to dig into the rest of this book and see what else is has to offer because so far, I'm quite impressed and definitely inspired.

Chasing that dream

Life events lately have awakened something within me.  I have decided to finally suck up my low self confidence and stop dreaming about what I've always wanted to do, and go after it.

The dream - acting.

Now don't laugh.  I'm not prepared to run off to L.A. and end up working as a waitress while I wait for my big break to come.  That is not me, well maybe the up and moving across the country bit could be me b/c I have been known to, at least, hop across Missouri a few times when my mood struck.

I don't expect to ever get famous or make much money acting.  I don't have that look that would make someone pick me over someone else.  There goes my self confidence slipping...  But I want to give it a go.  I'd love to find some local work acting in shorts, or a web series and just be content with the quality of work I'm putting out there.

I even have a friend, well sort of a friend, more of an acquaintance but that's such a lame term for someone you've known for a while really.  Friend is so much more, friendly.  But anyway, this friend is a local film maker and we have collaborated on an idea for a web series based off a NaNoWriMo subscription I wrote a few years ago.  We are in the process of turning the story into something more and have even come up with an overall theme for not only 1 season, but for a 2nd.

I'm also planning on spending some time on the set of some films he's going to be shooting around the area in the upcoming months so I can get a true feel of what being an actor fully consists of.  I am quite green in all this but I'm ready to jump in with both feet and start at the apprentice level and work my way up.  Everyone has to start somewhere right?!

I guess you could say I'm a writer and aspiring actress b/c I've been writing for years but never shared it with anyone.  Anyone can be whatever they want, it's turning it into something more that takes courage.  I even have a second project that I've started writing on that I would like to see become a short, as well.

So there it is, my big secret out there for the world to know.  Some people know I've had this dream, and haven't cared.  Some people may think I'm crazy, and say I'll never achieve anything.  But like I said before, I am not setting out on this path to reach a certain goal; I'm not expecting to become known or famous or rich.  I have no plans to quit my boring ass day job and starve like an artist.  Think of it more as a hobby that I will do to appease the muse that has inspired me and pushed me to the point of realizing it's time to "act" on this dream.

I will put my heart into the stories I write.  I will hone my craft and dedicate myself to learning the craft and giving it my all.  So at the end of the day, whichever day, I can know I was true to myself and did my best.

Geek, and proud!

"Being a geek is all about being honest about what you enjoy and not being afraid to demonstrate that affection. It means never having to play it cool about how much you like something. It’s basically a license to proudly emote on a somewhat childish level rather than behave like a supposed adult. Being a geek is extremely liberating." - Simon Pegg

I have started reading Nerd Do Well by Simon Pegg this week as I was out of work Tuesday afternoon through Friday following a surgery on my left foot.  It's quite gross, the after effects of the surgery and the reasoning for it so I'll spare you the details if only to say once healed, it will leave me with the ability to once again walk without any pain to the bottom of my foot!  Oh that shall be the day.

Was my use of a comma in that rather long sentence proper?  I've always been confused by commas, sometimes even calling them comas, in fact.  I often feared my English teachers in school ran out of red ink when grading my papers.  I imagine them rolling their eyes, pulling out a new pen and hoping the ink would last til the end of my bs.  I think I might have had good content overall, but would drag it out with said bs, thus completing the required word count.

WOW, you wouldn't have guessed any of that by the paragraph I just wasted your time with there, huh?  But yes, I am a geek and I am damn proud!  I've always liked bragging about the fact that I like geeking things and talking with friends and family about various shows I watch, regardless of whether or not they too watch them and thus know what I'm talking about.  And when I do find a rare soul who watches something I do - FORGET IT YOU ARE MY BFFE ABOVE ALL ELSE!

But it wasn't until I started reading Pegg's autobiography, that I really started to get it and want to embrace it more.  I have this silly blog, that I don't update quite enough, and I want to turn it into something that is fantastic and interesting enough to make at least one person read.  I'm pretty sure no one knows about it, even though I occasionally link it from my other sites (Twitter, Facebook, Google+...etc), but clearly it's not enough to warrant comments.  Not that I need comments to continue to try to find myself in the blog 'verse, as it may be, for I will keep blogging on until I find my niche.

I thought about writing about just shows I watch, but sometimes life happens and I have to delay watching shows, so of course it wouldn't be a regular updated occurrence   I can't talk about movies b/c I don't go the theatre enough anymore for that.  So really it has turned into me just updating as ideas come to me, albeit it months apart usually, that I can be long winded about.

What does any of this have to do with being a geek?  Well, geek's blog just like anybody else, right?  I want to turn it more into a passion, where I can't wait to get home and update about something that happened during the course of my day.  Or, something so shitty happened that I need to blog to vent about it, and perhaps at the same time reassure someone who may be going through something similar, that they are not alone and can vent right back if need be.

I hope to make this uplifting when needed, funny when it strikes me, and just interesting on some level all around.  I may even try to start each entry out with a quote that in some way relates to what I'm about to say.

So please, stay tuned...