Dating, These Days

So a while ago I turned to a friend at work and asked "how do you meet guys that doesn't consist of going to a bar?"  Her response was "eHarmony" and of course I laughed but she then followed up by "That's how I met my husband" to which I suddenly felt guilt.  I decided to give it a go and sign up only to find out there was a special running and it wouldn't cost nearly as much as it normally does.

So I signed up, built up my profile and began getting matches sent to me.  I decided to extend the distance where my matches would come from b/c the gypsy in me is always up for an adventure and I definitely don't see myself staying in the midwest all my life.  Yeah, I'd move for a job, or love...if I can ever figure out what that last bit means.

And before you judge someone (or me) for signing up to meet guys (and yes pay for it as well) on the internet, please think about the age we are in.  The technology age.  I understand anyone can pretend they are someone else behind a keyboard but people can also be themselves in the same manner, just as in person.  People can play a part in public and be someone completely different behind closed doors.

Here I am 6 months later and have only met 2 guys in person, none of which are anything to write home about and am currently in a pen pal/email situation with another.  The first guy I went out with turned out to be a little self centered in not wanting to move even though he had his matches extended out beyond where he lives.  The second guy I went out with just didn't really work out.  The third guy I've been emailing with since September is actually more promising than any of the other matches I received the entire 6 months on the site.  We've moved on to the letter sending stage and I like the old time feeling is has of a traditional courtship, minus the chaperon, obviously.  Also, he happens to live in England, so it will be a while before the face to face stage happens.  I'll cross that bridge (of the pond, ha, get it? I have humor!) when I come to it.

And all of this online dating bit is still easier than trying to meet and talk to a guy in a bar who is already drunk or just looking to get drunk.  And also easier (on my self esteem) with online dating than liking a guy only to find out he's taken or lies about being taken to "let you down easier" or throws out the line "I've met someone" after a bit of flirting, to insinuate that you are in face NOT a someone b/c let's be honest, that line only makes you feel like less than someone, am I right?

This last bit is something I've faced my entire life which is why I've never been big on dating in the first place. I can count on one hand the number of boyfriends I've had, one of which I wouldn't even classify as that seeing as how now, when I look back on that "relationship", it truly was a joke apparently all on me and I was too naive to get myself out sooner than I should have.  My lack of dating also stems from fear of rejection, lack of self esteem, a bit of being overly shy at times, fear of being left behind when things get intense.  But, those are normal feelings, right?

But this year I've decided to get over those fears and feelings and give it a chance.  I'm not entirely sure I understand what love is or is supposed to be, and can truly say I've never been there.  I'm not out to have someone change anything about me or try to change anyone else.  I want it to happen the way it's supposed to and see if I can be a part something bigger than just me.